View From Table 9

August 21, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — table9 @ 1:40 pm
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I got these on email today and they cracked me up. So, apologies for not crediting the author(s) as they were not on the message (given some of these, I could understand why they might want to remain anonymous).


The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language 

development.  Here are the TOP 10 winners in the
International Pun Contest.  

1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The Stewardess looks at him and says, I'm sorry, sir, only 
onecarrion allowed per passenger. 

2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one
turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' 

3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank, 
proving once again that you can't have your kayak 
and heat it, too. 

4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost
my electron.'  The other says, 'Are you sure?'  The
first replies,  'Yes, I'm positive.' 

5.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend
dental  medication. 

6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel  and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories.  After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse.  But why they asked, as they moved
off.  'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand 
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.' 

7.  A woman has twins and gives them up for
adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt 
and is named Ahmal.  The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him  Juan.  Years later, Juan
sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're  twins !  If 
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.' 

8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened a small florist shop to
raise funds.  Since  everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the
good fathers to close  down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close.  They
ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town to 'persuade' them to close.  Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they 
did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can 
prevent florist friars. 

9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set
of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet,
he  suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh,
man, this is SO BAD, it's  good) a super 
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

10.  And, finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No
pun in ten did.

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